4 READINESS CLUES FOR A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

by Morgan Siler

Romantic love is a popular topic. It’s the one thing, single parent or not, divorced or not, humans can nod their head in agreement and say, “Yep, greatest drug known to man!” Love, in and of itself, is nothing but awesome. True, as many of us can attest, a relationship may sour, but love-- or at least the memory of it--never does.

Whether or not we live with a track record of hurt from past relationships, dating and falling in love as a single parent is much different than dating and falling in love as a single individual. The stakes are higher because we are entrusted with the care and feeding of our children, in addition to ourselves.

So where do we even begin? How do we know when or if we are ready to fall in love again?

Have we learned to embrace "happily ever now", or are we still seeking "happily ever after?"

First clue: You've learned to forgive
"Without forgiveness, there is no future." – Desmond Tutu
Tutu's comment not only applies to the context of world politics in which it was spoken, but in the most intimate recess of the soul. Hanging on to resentment, bitterness, anger, shame or guilt not only keeps you stuck in the past, it keeps you prisoner to a time or person in your life that no longer serves you. To move forward and to make room for a future with somebody new, we must reconcile the mistakes and hurt of the past, even if it’s only in the privacy of our own prayers. We can't undo the mistakes we made or force the ex to, but we can choose to lay it to rest with a proper burial of forgiveness.

Second clue: You enjoy dating
There is something truly great about simply sharing a meal and conversation with someone. But as soon as dating starts feeling like an elimination derby to finding 'the One,' you know you might be in it for the wrong reasons. Before we are ready to find love, we need to learn how to be happy on our own and enjoy the company of another for its own sake, and not because it’s fulfilling a hole or an expectation inside of us. Dating is fun when it’s free of pressure. And keeping it free from pressure means we are keeping ourselves free from depending on another to complete us-- or our family.

Third clue: You've learned how to love yourself
You've heard it said a thousand times: Before we can love truly love anyone else, we must learn how to love and appreciate ourselves. It’s a truism, as they say, and not one you can get around without facing some inner-demons. But time you devote to personal development will be time well invested, because as you know, it simply is not enough to fall in love again as a single parent. We want to fall in love again with the right person. I think what most of us single moms and single dads seek a loving and healthy relationship that not only is good for us, but good for our children as well. Learning to love ourselves first will show us how we can love another in a way that is not tainted by need or lack and gives us the clarity to know when it is right to involve our kids and blend a family.

Fourth clue: You've stopped imagining "life and/or happiness will begin again when..."
The biggest killer to finding happiness in the future is not finding happiness in the now. Repeating to yourself the "life will begin when" statements is declaring to the world you are pushing off enjoying your life until some indefinite time in the future. You are keeping happiness away from you at an arm's distance out there and waiting for some beautiful stranger to deliver it to your door. The problem with this is just as Eckart Tolle says in the groundbreaking work The New Earth, "Unless & until you access the consciousness frequency of presence, all relationships, and particularly intimate relationships, are deeply flawed & ultimately dysfunctional." Simply put, until you are able to find happiness in your own life within the present moment, any relationship, no matter how magical it begins, will disappoint you and leaving you right where you started. As single parents we have a great opportunity to create "happily ever now" for our kids and teach them to take responsibility for their own well being. It is not a state we need to wait for an external factor to take us to, but rather a choice and an action we can take right now.

Fifth clue: Your family feels complete as is Just because you are a single parent does not mean your family is broken and needs to be fixed. Finding and falling in love again should have everything to do with the ways a person enriches your life and the life of your children and nothing to do with your hopes to rescue the picture of your family. Home is where the heart is; family is where love is, period. Creating a healthy relationship and eventually blending a family requires starting from a place of confidence that the family you are is already enough. The desire to fill the post of the absent mom or dad is common but feeling your family complete as is gives you the strength to choose your next partner from a place of love rather than from a place of need.
It's easy to get down on the challenges that come from the single parent lifestyle. And when it comes to dating and finding/falling in love the challenges are very apparent. But let us all remember the words of Hugh Down: "a happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes." The adventure of romantic love awaits us, but the experience and longevity of a loving relationship will be more of what we are after if we put aside "happily ever after" and embrace "happily ever now".