DATING AFTER DIVORCE

by Yu Ming Lui

Are your kids giving you a hard time about dating again? It feels like your life is in upheaval — you want to move on in your romantic life but you love your children dearly and hate to see them feeling hurt and angry. You wonder, what is going on? How do you balance both sides of your life that are equally important to you?
It’s Strange Seeing You With Someone Else
The fantasy that you are theirs and theirs alone is hard to get over for children - some may never truly come to terms with sharing you with someone else besides your ex-spouse.
While you are keen to get out of your post-divorce misery, your kids will go through a depressing period of facing their worst fears: their parents are really not getting back together ever again and that’s a hard thing to have closure with.
This reunion fantasy that kids have (and even adult children) is pretty powerful and not to be under-estimated, says M. Gary Neuman, L.M.H.C., author of Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce, The Sandcasles Way. Why not? A child's own identity is extremely connected to that of the family. When the family structure crumbles, a child's sense of self is threatened, even if they maintain strong ties to both parents, explains Neuman.
They usually feel confusion and anxiety when they see that there could be a new addition to the family — even if you are just dating someone else. You should be honest with them: you need other adults to interact with, you desire companionship and love, and open up heart-to-heart talks about how your new relationship is affecting them. If they tell you their apprehensions, you need to address them and make solid promises to allay their worries.
When Is It A Good Time To Introduce The Kids?
You shouldn’t hide the fact that you are back in the dating game, because when children find out “secrets” by accident or too suddenly, they experience an overwhelming sense of betrayal and feel they cannot trust you to be honest. So, a don’t-ask don’t-tell policy can backfire on you terribly, too.
Although being frank about your romantic relationships is really the only way to go, you may want to wait a while before you actually physically introduce your new partner to them.
Why is that? You have to be doubly sure your relationship is for the long run because you could be setting your kids up for further disappointment and heartache if they become attached to this new “parental figure” in their lives.
How To Deal With Unhappy Children In This Situation
You just have to acknowledge the fact that your children will feel threatened. But what they are anxious about is that you would not have private time with them, so make an effort in your words and actions that you will have quality time alone with them.
A word of warning: don’t get sucked into manipulative behavior dished out by your children. It seems easier to pacify them with gifts or empty promises, but these types of measures won’t help you gain control of the situation. They just need to go through more time with you in the new situation to see that you won’t back-peddle on your promises on keeping up your relationship with them.
Do put your children as first priority in your life, but don’t be a pushover because that could jeopardize your chance of achieving personal happiness. You could be doing everything by the book but still face sulky, unhappy kids, so be extremely patient and understanding.